“You’re a Failed Comedian” Has No Winning Response

If you’re a comedian/performer and been on any kind of social media for some time and have any kind of following, you’ve heard the phrase. Whether you are discussing something, arguing with someone or just trying to defend yourself against the online trolls. That’s when they drop it.

“You’re a failed comedian”

Comedians hear it all the time. Frankly, because people are not smart and it’s the only thing they have. If you have comedian/writer/performer/writer, etc in your bio or profile, it’s usually their go-to. After they’ve attacked your personal appearance that is or if you list your pronouns. And usually someone who pays for X and has 87 followers.

For a comedian, there is sadly no good response. Does it hurt to hear that? Of course. Is it true? Absolutely not. And it’s all because of a lack of intelligence, which shouldn’t be a surprise to people when it comes to the internet.

The issue is, a comedian can’t respond to it. There is no winning comment or response. Because you are never going to convince them you aren’t. To the regular person or troll, if you don’t have millions of followers, two Netflix specials, and a dozen TV appearances, you are a failed comedian.

Most of them don’t know that there are thousands of comedians, and all have had their own level of success. To call someone a failure because they aren’t the top 10 in their field is wild. Because you know damn well anyone who says that isn’t the CEO or the boss where they work. It’s very hard to be the CEO of your divorced dad’s basement or work your way up from the booger cleaner at Goodwill. That’s not a knock on Goodwill, but let’s all agree their prices are getting pretty ridiculous.

It hurts to hear no matter what because that is the one thing a comedian never wants to do. Fail. That is the worst case scenario after you’ve been doing it for a while. At first, you’re obsessed with writing as much material as you can and hitting the stage as much as possible. After that though, you want more and to feel like you are successful at what you are doing. It happens in stages, and often you don’t know when you’ve reached plateaus or milestones and have to enjoy those moments. I still struggle with it at times.

My “Failed” Career

After doing improv since high school and dabbling in stand up a little bit in my early 20s, I didn’t really start getting into stand up until 26-27. I’ve now been doing stand up for over a decade. When I started, I wasn’t right out of college or a single guy looking to fill my schedule.

I was already dating my wife and about to be engaged. I had basically already started a life and the next chapter. After that came kids. When my oldest was less than a year old, I had one of my favorite months of my standup career. In January of 2018, I was booked every weekend. I did a feature weekend in Milwaukee, I headlined shows in the UP and Sheboygan, I headlined a weekend at Skyline Comedy Café and had two other one nighter shows. The UP was a Friday night at a pizza place known for their solid shows where you basically stay in a murder motel. The place sold those tall towers or “giraffes” of beer there. I told the crowd if they bought me one, I would finish it during my set. I did. It was one of my greatest sets, and even sold out of merch that night. My feature definitely had to drive me back to the motel.

But after that month, my wife and I talked and with a newborn and possibly more kids on the way, I couldn’t be gone every weekend and miss everything. And it was correct. When you have a partner and kids, it’s an extra level of responsibility on top of trying to be a stand up and comedian while providing for your life and family. So I started taking a step back. I’ve been busy ever since then, but I don’t tour the country doing stand up every weekend.

It’s still my full-time, part-time job. I do a lot of gigs in Wisconsin. I’m doing more improv shows again at ComedyCity because it’s close to home and I am back that night. I help produce Don’t Tell Comedy in the GB/Fox Valley area and helped create an improv DnD show “Comedic Neutral” that sells out almost every show.

I’ve headlined Skyline half a dozen times, the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee and tons of places. I performed in front of 400 people in Turner Hall, and 2,000 people at the Weidner Center. I helped produce a stand up showcase for almost a decade that helped me meet hundreds of comedians and dozens of friends.

I’m mildly popular on Sports Twitter/X and started a Brewers Podcast with my best friends. Why did I decide to dedicate my time and effort into possibly the smallest market sports team with smallest possible fan outreach across the country? Because I’m dumb. But I love it. I write Brewers articles for two web sites and wrote Packers for a while as well.

John, aren’t you just justifying this to yourself when it’s not needed and you know you are loved and respected? Well of course, but I still need to hear it once in a while. I have constant FOMO. I see folks making reels and clips and recording all their sets and getting to open for bigger names or getting booked at Skyline when I don’t anymore. But my calendar and life are still full. I’m also a husband, father, friend and currently going through one of my in-laws dying of ALZ. Is that failing? Spending time with them instead of driving to Cleveland for $300?

Why No Response Works

My apologies for rambling, but it was all for context. That is why comedians can’t respond or defend when they hear that phrase. They don’t any of my story or what’s going on. And no answer will work.

One time on Twitter, someone claimed I was lying about performing at Turner Hall. When I sent them the link proving it, they blocked me, and just told people “it seems like something they would lie about” And now, if that person ever reads this, they can tag me and say they are “Rent Free” in my head.

If someone says you’re a “failed comedian”, you just have to ignore it. If you engage them, you are “big mad about it” or “trying to hard” to defend. But as comedians, all we do is defend ourselves. We are onstage defending the notion every second that we are funny. We defend ourselves after the show saying thank you to everyone, hoping you buy merch and really, really hoping you don’t tell us that anti-trans joke you’ve been telling everyone the past month. It literally just happened to me this week. You are in constant defense mode as a comedian/performer, and people claiming you are failing at that is so annoying. And it’s not that it even bothers us that you said, it bothers us that we can’t say anything back.

Because those losing situations aren’t fair. No person, especially a comedian, doesn’t want to NOT defend themselves. You grow up and told to stick up for yourself, and now you are told to just not engage because it’s not worth it. Not saying anything is hard. But it’s a lose-lose.

The point of all this is just to hopefully reach one person who uses that phrase for people. There are different levels of success. Someone isn’t a failure because you personally haven’t heard of them. And I get it, if you don’t follow comedy, it’s hard to know comedians. Before I got into stand up, unless I saw them on Comedy Central or one of the Late Shows or a sitcom, I didn’t really know them. There are thousands of comedians out there, and hundreds of really good ones. And there are hundreds of them you have no idea exist. I’m still meeting new comedians every month. It’s an industry and art form that will last forever, because there isn’t much that beats a good live comedy show.

All I’m saying is come up with new material and new insults. Make fun of my hairline, it’s very depressing and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s also true. But I’m not a failed comedian. I just can’t say anything back when you say it to me.

Because if I say what I want to say when someone says it to me or someone else I know, I would be banned from that social media site. An Irish comedian with Catholic school upbringing guilt and body dysmorphia is not someone you really want to mess with. You are not prepared for that amount of built-up rage.